Friday, December 26, 2008

Obama loses his shirt


Stock markets continue their plunge. President-Elect not immune.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Vast left-wing conspiracy?


Fact: George W. Bush is the first right-handed president since Jimmy Carter.

This may not have occurred to you, but these are the sort of things you depend on this blogger to point out to you.

Reagan? Left-handed. Although he was forced to learn to write with his right hand. George the first? A lefty. Clinton? Faaaar left. Obama? Extremely left-handed.

What if McCain had won? Wouldn't have mattered, he is left-handed as well.

10% of the population is left-handed. 18% of all U.S. Presidents have been left-handed.

Don't tell me I'm not onto something here.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Young Love


They say for every boy and girl
There's just one love in this whole world
And I-I-I-I know-ow I've found mine.
The heavenly touch of your embrace
Tells me no one could take your place
Ev-ev-ev-ev-ever in my heart.

Young love, first love,
Fillllllled with true devotion.
Young love, our love,
We share with deeeeeep. Emotion.

Just one kiss from your sweet lips
Will tell me that your love is real,
And I-I-I can feee-el that it's true.
We will vow to one another
There will never be another ::suppress laughter here::
Love-uv-uv for you-oo... or for me.

Young love, first love,
Fillllllled with true devotion.
Young love, our love,
We share with deeeeeep. Emotion.

Dum. Deedum. Deedum. Deedum..... ::fade out::

Friday, December 12, 2008

Another Senator Kennedy


Caroline Kennedy wants to be appointed by New York's governor to fill the senate seat soon to be vacated by new Secretary of State Hillary Clingon Clinton.

Mindful of the current selling of her idol Barack Obama's Illinois senate seat, she asked the New York governer, when she called him, to pretend she wasn't interested.

This blog would like to add its endorsement to the selection of JFK and Jackie's surviving offspring for the office. We feel her qualifications to be a U.S. Senator are far superior to anything the Democrats would normally require, to wit:

1. Her name is Kennedy.
2. She has sat on the board of the JFK Library.
3. She has presented the library's "Profiles in Courage" award.
4. Her name is Kennedy.
5. She spent the last year playing a crucial role* in Barack Obama's election campaign.
6. She has provided personal care** for Uncle Teddy during his recent illness.
7. Her name is Kennedy.
8. Her cousin, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., has said she would be an ideal candidate.
9. She is a trained attorney who doesn't practice law.
10. Her name is Kennedy.
11. She has "dabbled in legal scholarship and New York civic life"*** while raising three children with her husband and a staff of nannies.
12. She reportedly knows the words to "Camelot" by heart.
13. Her name is Kennedy.
14. She is honorary chairwoman of the American Ballet Theatre.
15.  She has held a $1-per-year job within the New York City Department of Education, raising money for a private charity that supported public schools.****
16. Her name is Kennedy.
17. She has compared Obama to her father.*****
18. She has stood side-by-side with Oprah Winfrey in Los Angeles.
19. Her name is...

Well, by now you should be able to see what her real qualification is. Anybody want to bet on who the governor will appoint as New York's replacement senator?

*Caroline was told by her Uncle Teddy to endorse Obama last winter.
**Wiping drool and froth from his mouth.
***Whatever the fuck that means.
****But quit the job in the second year when she was told by family members that, "$1 a year isn't really that much money, Missy."
*****Yeah. Like she remembers her father.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

"Let them eat cake." (Marie Antoinette, of the breadless peasants)


This post is not so much satire as it is astonishment and disbelief.

1. The "big three" American automakers, GM, Ford, and Chrysler, are in deep trouble. Have been for years, for many reasons.

2. Seeing the Wall Street bailout, they are trying to jump on the bandwagon and are asking congress for $25 billion. Just because. Loss of jobs, and ancillary domino effect, you know.

3. They came to Washington yesterday (Tuesday) to testify before Congress on why they should get this money. All three CEOs were there, sitting side by side. Amazing. They each told Congress why they should get this bailout. Some of their points were valid. I assume they promised to be good stewards of this amazing amount of money if they get it. And they say they MUST get it.

So.... what is the astonishing and unbelievable part of this post? Other than the fact that they have been pissing away money like Niagara Falls for 50 years and mismanaging their businesses like a drunken sailor? Well...

1. They came to Congress crying "poor, poor", but they came in private jets. Individual private jets which are only one of several owned by their companies for their (and their families') convenience. They couldn't fly commercial, not even first class. And, God forbid, they couldn't drive one of the cars they make. 

All of these companies have been losing lots of dollars. Billions and billions of dollars. In return for this feat of losing money, each of these CEOs receives compensation of many millions of dollars each. Like in the neighborhood of $20 million a year. Just as a "thank you" for being such a bad manager.

4. We could BUY GM -  the whole company - lock stock and barrel - five times over for the same money we would be "lending" the "big three."  - $25 billion. Or so I've read. But who in their right mind would want to buy a company that is constantly on the verge of bankruptcy, and hasn't seen a profit in most of the current generation's lifetime?

Your Congress is at work. Be very afraid. Let's hope even these dead-brains won't loan these guys taxpayer money. Spend it on job retraining instead, please.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Oh, Please! PLEASE let us stay in Iraq! We'll do ANYTHING!

I see in the news today that Iraq is close to approving a pact which will allow the U.S. to stay in Iraq through 2011. Apparently they will let us stay if we agree not to have troops in the cities. We will still be free to die outside the cities. So that's cool.

Question: why  are we (the U.S. Government in the person of George W. Bush) fighting so hard to get this "agreement" approved? If  they don't sign it, then we come home at the end of this year. What is so bad about that?

At the very least, we shouldn't take action until our new president takes office. He may have less interest in staying in Iraq at all. Just let the current one expire and stop fighting except in self defense for a few weeks. It is possible that in the short interim, the Iraqi government may decide it is a good idea for America to stay and let them stay alive for awhile. I don't think we should, though.

In my opinion, this has long since turned into another Vietnam. If even the Iraqi government has to have it's arm twisted to "let" us stay, then why stay? I think we just screwed up a perfect chance to come home and let them fight it out themselves. Plus we also had to agree to let Iraq try our troops in their courts. I don't like that because it is still a war zone where civilians are getting killed by accident every day.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Welcome Aboard!


President-elect B.H. Obama, wasting no time in the face of the economic crisis, today selected as his new Secretary of the Treasury, the genial Bob Cratchit.

Rather than choosing someone who is good at handling money, the President-Elect said he "went with my heart on this one" and chose someone from the ranks of the common folk, his primary political base.

"I thought it was more important to send a message, to the people who voted for me, and to the misguided right, as well as to the rest of the world, both friends and foe alike, all of whom I will soon be speaking with on a personal one-on-one basis, just to get to know their special interests, that my administration will be a grass-roots operation from the top down, or the bottom up, just as I promised; or if I didn't promise that, it could be assumed by one and all that is surely what I meant."

Mr. Obama went on to say (we think) that he decided against choosing a person with banking experience, or even executive experience, because those kinds of people have often failed us in the past, and mostly are Republicans anyway.

The returned clothes fund of Sara Palin will be used to outfit Mr. Cratchit.

Good luck Bob Cratchit, and to all the assorted little Cratchits!



Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Lest we forget


Today is veterans's Day in the USA (Remembrance Day in Canada).

Today we honor those who serve, or have served in our Military.

Today we again pray for end to war.


WWII Memorial


Korean War Memorial
Vietnam Wall
Iraq
Semper Fidelis

Monday, November 10, 2008

Have you ever wondered why...


... A lot of the attacks on our freedoms seem to be coming from our own government?

Saturday, November 8, 2008

A Sloth?


Government by its very nature is a close kin to the sloth: Slow moving, not too bright, and infested with parasites, generally sleeps 18 hours a day, and is virtually deaf. Like the sloth, government feeds on only one thing.

For the government this food is red tape.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

New cabinet appointments begin


Wasting no time, President-Elect Barack Obama today announced his first cabinet appointee, good friend William "Bill" Ayers, as Secretary of Defense.

Asked what prompted the choice, the Chosen One shuffled his feet a bit and then mumbled, "Professor Ayers is familar with the Pentagon."

God bless America. 

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Loyal Opposition begins to close ranks. Hail To The Chief


Please welcome America's new First Family:

Sasha, Michelle, Barack, Malia.

Godspeed.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Almost over

As I write this, it is only about an hour and a half before the polls begin to close in the East. Soon we will begin to see the results of the real poll instead of the pretend polls that have represented various people's guesswork and predictions. Will it be an Obama landslide as most guess-polls have predicted? Will it be really close and go far into the night before the next president is known, as McCain has suggested?

Doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that the real non-guess poll is now finally underway. Good luck to both candidates. Whoever wins will need a lot of help.

But please don't overlook the race that is so much more important than the race for president. If the Dems gather the magic number of 60 in the Senate, there will no longer be any opposition voice in congress. That means so much more than who wins the title of president. And the way it looks now, that is very likely to happen.

Very interesting indeed.

Obama wins ...

... or so they are saying early on.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Polls say it's in the bag for Obama-Biden!


You'll shoot your eye out, McCain!"

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

American Guy Fawkes Day


As many of you know, if you have been following the American presidential election, "...the first Tuesday after the first monday in November" is the American Guy Fawkes Day. We celebrate it one day before the British and others do this year.

It will be a little different, of course. The destroyer of the American system of government, as we have come to know it, will be toasted instead of pilloried, and inaugural balls and general ass-kissing will replace bonfires.

Barack Obama is a likable - albeit extremely naive and economically uninformed* - sort of guy: a rather odd combination of Lyndon Johnson, Jimmy Carter, and Vladimir Lenin. He's just what the doctor ordered to put America's house in order, according to the outside world and (of course) the legions of blindly unthinking zombie-like leftist Dems.

These people are compassionate, they want to improve the plight of the poor and "underprivileged." Admirable. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to help one's fellow man (or fellow American, as it were.) The answer? Isn't it obvious? So simple - take the money from people who have it and give it to people who DON'T have it.

Change. Oh, my, yes, there will be change.

Is the world now ready for the new American socialist state, patterned after the failed Russian system we all knew and loved? The new massive redistribution of wealth, unseen since 1917, sprouting like an unholy Phoenix from the ashes of LBJ's Great Society?

Change. Oh, my, yes, get ready for change, world. You win.

Gone, finally will be the rich elite who get all the tax breaks. No more rich. To paraphrase Lenin, "The new order has no need for capitalists." No more rich elite. The bastards who worked their asses off to build businesses and wealth. The bastards who create jobs and pay people's salaries. No need for them. Tax them into poverty. Tax them out of business. Let the government run things. Let the government provide the jobs.

Barack Obama: "Let's spread the wealth around."

Sure. Take it from the ones who earned it and spread it on the non-producers. Encourage the opposite of the American Dream. That's the ticket. Karl Marx would be proud. And soon (do you hear the angels singing, here?) the world can love America again.

You win, world. Get ready for the biggest failed welfare state the planet has ever seen. You think you have economic woes now? You ain't seen nothin' yet.

*Anyone who thinks it is possible to make lasting social improvements by taking rewards from visionary asset-producers and giving a huge portion of those rewards instead to poor people or, worse, to total non-producers, is economically uninformed, by definition. They would do well to study the lessons of the late Soviet Union, and compare the current economies of North Korea and South Korea.

Socialism doesn't work. When are we going to get that? Some is needed: pure capitalism is cruel and cold. But the correct recipe calls for a teaspoonful, not a gallon.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Our recommendation for president


After careful analysis of the two candidates, we have arrived at our recommendation for your voting consideration. We strongly urge you follow our endorsement. Thank you.

Actually, for those 3 of you who actually read this blog, we gave our recommendation 'way back at the end of July. Our recommendation has not changed.


Please - just don't. If you do, it only encourages the bastards.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

It's all over but the shouting!

The fat lady is singing! It's in the bag for Obama!

The polls show his lead widening. The news media have called it. The good news that Whoopie and her View crew have been proclaiming for months is all but official: Hail to the chief!

Finally, real change is in store for America. Isn't it just about time? Hallelujah! I can't wait! The long national nightmare is over!  Happy days are here again!

No need for the good guys to threaten to run off to Canada.

The changes will probably be obvious only minutes after the One takes office. Thank you God.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

For Redbeard and Richard: Zombies explained

I stole this from Petra who stole it from god knows who. I thought I had already posted this theft.  You simply must watch this clip.

Did I post it already? Sure seems familiar. Too much trouble to look in the archives. Watch it again, please.

Redbeard and Richard. Visit at your own risk.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Henry The Traveling Condom says...

I found these words on another blog in my travels a week or so ago, but can't remember where. Have seen them a couple places since, so I guess I am not the only one who is stealing them.

"The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed."

No charge for comments today, but you must be nice to me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A new generation


This one is not Palestinian, but Israeli. I am not posting this to condemn, because I don't know enough about it and I don't live over there. But I am sad nonetheless.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Comparing Dicks


Why do the ego-driven leaders of big countries always feel the need to constantly compare dicks? Bush looks to be on the short end again.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Obama: Biden replaced with "someone more intelligent"

In a rather unusual turn of events, Presidential Annointed One Barrack Obama replaced running mate Little Joey Biden today with Uncle Fester.

The move was not totally unexpected, however, given Senator Biden's recent remarks telling California voters they could just "shove their support up their ass", and,"I ask you, who the hell needs California? Or New York for that matter? Fuck 'em all." The statement was made during the nationally televised VP debate Thursday night. The gaffe came after the VP debate moderator asked Biden to respond to the statement from a San Diego child that "Biden's hair looks funny."

Biden later attempted to retract his statement, saying at first that he was "only joking, for Christ's sake," and then later asserting that he had really meant to say Wyoming and South Dakota. Apparently Mr. Obama wasn't buying either story. Biden's debate opponent, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, simply shrugged her shoulders and offered, "What are you going to do? Biden is a cretin. Everyone knows that."

Uncle Fester, laid up with a broken leg from a recent meth lab explosion, was unavailable for comment at press time.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Our favorite first debate exerpt.

LEHRER: Two minutes, how you see the lessons of Iraq, Senator Obama?

OBAMA: Well, this is an area where Senator McCain and I have a fundamental difference because I think the first question is whether we should have gone into the war in the first place...

MCCAIN: (Responding to Sen. Obama's assertation that the U.S. should not have gone into Iraq): The next president of the United States is not going to have to address the issue as to whether we went into Iraq or not. The next president of the United States is going to have to decide how we leave, when we leave, and what we leave behind. That's the decision of the next president of the United States.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

News Flash! Just Out! Obama's skin color may cost him some white votes! Read all about it!

The results of a new poll have just been released. It was conducted by Yahoo! and AP, so you know it must be true. Also, Stanford University was in on it too, although the pollsters don't make it clear how. Perhaps students were put on the phones in return for promises of pizza.

But the main thing is the shocking results of this poll! ----------------

This poll clearly shows that some white peoples' votes WILL BE AFFECTED BECAUSE OBAMA IS BLACK!!!!!

Oh, Christ! It's even worse than that! The poll also shows that SOME WHITES HARBOR NEGATIVE VIEWS TOWARDS ALL BLACKS!!!!!

Can this possibly be true? JESUS JOSEPH AND MARY!!!!! Who would have suspected this??

Thank God for polls and pollsters! Holy horseradish, but this was money well-spent! WHO FUCKING KNEW????

Doesn't this give you pause? Doesn't it start you to thinking? I mean, what if a similar poll were taken of black Americans? Yeah! What if? Is it possible such a poll might indicate a tiny percentage of blacks are not in love with whites, either? The mere concept boggles the mind. Best not think of that until tomorrow, Scarlett.

According to the Yahoo! article that ran the poll today, "The pollsters set out to determine why Obama is locked in a close race with McCain even as the political landscape seems to favor Democrats." [Or at least it seems to favor Democrats if you are a Democrat, I suppose.]

"There are a lot fewer bigots than there were 50 years ago, but that doesn't mean there's only a few bigots," said Stanford political scientist Paul Sniderman who helped analyze the exhaustive survey.

Ummm...are you SURE there are a lot fewer bigots than there were 50 years ago, Pauly? Did you take a survey on that? That's another issue that the black community in America might be able to shed some light on for you, dude. Should your white polling ass care to venture into their neighborhoods and knock on their doors.

But McCain has his own problems, right? I mean, other than only 3 blacks are going to vote for him, and even those will be ballot mistakes.
For example:

1. He is politically tied to a moron, the current inhabitant of the White House, who still can't find the bathroom there without directions from the Secret Service.

2. He is older than fucking spaghetti. And some rocks.

3. He is apparently halfway honest. Not a good trait in a politician.

BUT.

As Americans, both black and white, are fond of saying: "What the fuck?"

For most of us, the election is, after all, only a temporary diversion from Washington's business as usual. Which will continue uninterrupted on January 21st. It's sort of like going out and having fun on the weekend. In the back of your mind, you know Monday is gonna be coming around very soon.

Go for it, baby.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The World Wants Obama


The BBC has run a world poll about the American presidential election. At least they polled the countries they considered important.

The results: Only the USA doesn't overwhelmingly want Obama! Holy Shit!

"People outside the US would prefer Barack Obama to become US president ahead of John McCain, a BBC World Service poll suggests."

An American reading this lead-in header to that poll is admittedly tempted to say, "Really? Who gives a flying fuck?" and turn the page. But wait! Do you REALLY not care that 82% of Kenyans (Obama's father's home country) favor him to become U.S. President? Why isn't that important to you?

Most of you know that Relax Max, the author of this incredibly inane blog, would much prefer that neither candidate would become president. Surely the USA can do without a president for 8 years or more. Not only would you save over $3 million in salary, no wars that started during that timeframe would include American troops. And hardly any foreign country would be fucked with. Or given any money by the USA. Cool.

But.

That isn't going to happen. One of these assholes is going to get elected.

And, if you let Kenya vote, McCain can kiss his white old ass goodbye, and Alaska's wild moose population can start pissing their pants again everytime they hear a helicopter. Or something like that.

I think that's the point of this BBC poll. Naw. It has no point.

Please also note, just in case you may have thought the poll had a tiny bit of relevance, that it was taken before either party's convention. Heh.

Shee-it.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Squeal like a pig America! Obama is totally unstoppable now!


McCain tosses in the towel!

Senator John McCain: "Hopeless! Utterly hopeless! How can we hope to stop the awesome juggernaut that is the Shining Obama Machine! He is the Chosen One! Join me in bowing to his greatness!"




McCain shocked much of the world today by apparently surrendering to the inevitible, dropping to his knees in despair, his shoulders shaking with the bitter dregs of certain defeat.




McCain sobbed heartrenderingly. "Why even bother with a convention? This Savior Of All Mankind is unstoppable!"

Indeed it would seem so. Shackled by his long record of service and willingness to work with others for the common good of his country, McCain practically melted into the sidewalk when compared to the Chosen One's long weeks of community service (not to mention some pro bono legal work) to the helpless Rappers of Chicago's South Side. How could people even begin to compare records!

And the running mate debacle was the last straw that broke McCain's hated Republican back. How could a woman - a WOMAN! - a woman whose record of ferreting out corruption, even in her own party, or her hatred for bloated big government, or her TINY RECORD of effecting change and getting things done... how could that possibly compare to the lifetime of almost-incredible near-successes of the powerful man known in his hometown as "Little Joey Biden"?

How ironic that if McCain WERE to die in office, the country would be in good hands, but that Obama would HAVE to die for the country to be in good hands! Oh! What has brought us to this sorry state? "It 'twas..It 'twas...'SOAP POISONING'"

So, let this be a lesson to all dumbass Republicans out there: GIVE IT UP! Learn your lesson well, and begin to listen carefully to the advice of the Lofty Sages who live in the European Union: listen as they counsel you as to the road you must take in order to make them love America again. The importance of their love is so vital to America's success. Heed well! Nor should that important South African swing vote be overlooked! Give it up, McCain!


After all, if the last two presidential elections are any indication, about all the Republicans have going for them are the votes of the American people! You can't win elections that way!

GIVE IT UP! The day of the Chosen One and his First Lady-elect has arrived! Deliverance is at hand!



Friday, August 29, 2008

Odds and ends



My favorite Google Adsense ad for today:

Traveling to Iraq soon?
Start planning your trip with VirtualTourist.com! You'll find travel guides and reviews with real traveler tips and photos on hotels, restaurants, nightlife, shopping and things to do (or not do). You can even meet locals in Iraq and make friends with them before your trip!
--------

Still thinking of a caption for the below pic. Possibilities so far:
1. Tourist photo op: Daily life in Pakistan.
2. Mathematically challenged.
3. "Move that one box a little bit more forward, Hammie."
4. Where the fuck's PETA when you really need them?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Three letters to Mr. Putin


(I will not tell where I stole these from. But rest assured they were plagiarized in an honest manner.)

Letter #1 from George Bush (who owes me big time):

Dear Vlad:

Beijing is weird. First of all, you can't breathe the air. Second, how 'bout those drummers? Whoa! MIL-I-TAR-Y PRE-CI-SION!

Hey, which reminds me. What's up with Georgia? This is not good, Vlad. If you don't stop, I'm going to have to do something, and you know I don't like doing things, right? What I want is for you to not make me look like a fool.

Here's the deal, Vlad.  I love ya man. But you gotta stop this. If you don't call a cease-fire and leave those Georgians alone, I'm going to have to whomp you upside the head. Just kiddin'. But you know how this looks. Invading a sovereign neighboring state is unacceptable in the 21st century - blah blah blah - and you're hurting Russia's image in the world.

Whatever.

Hey, gotta split. It's Kobe time. Take care and give my love to that cute little gymnast of yours.

Ciao amigo,
Bushy

P.S. Did you catch the American women's beach volleyball team?
--------

Second letter, from Sen. Barack Obama:

Dear (Former) President Putin:

I'm sorry to be writing this e-mail instead of meeting you in person, preferably in the Oval Office, where I belong. Soon, soon.

Nevertheless, and notwithstanding the foregoing, I felt it imperative that I express my deep concern about Russia's invasion of the tiny, democratically elected sovereign nation of Georgia. It would appear that you are not familiar with my platform for change and hope. War does not fit into this template and I am quite frankly at a loss for words to express my deep, deep distress.

As the chosen leader of a new generation of Americans who speak a global language of peace, hope, harmony and change, this is simply unacceptable. Quite frankly, your actions pose potentially severe, long-term consequences. I'm not sure what those might be, but they won't be nice or fun.

Please picture me looking very serious when I say that I respectfully request you to calm down. Life is but a flicker in time and we're but actors strutting and fretting. That is to say, we're all on this planetary journey together and our karma is interrelated and interdependent. Thus, it would seem that our differences are best resolved through words, not bombs.

It is said that war is a failure of diplomacy. I would submit that it is also counterintuitive. If my Kenyan father and my Kansan mother and my multinational upbringing taught me anything, it is that we are all One. That said, I am the One the world has been waiting for - and you are, quite frankly, blocking my chi.

As soon as possible, I'd like to sit down and begin talking about how we can resolve these and other differences that threaten peace-loving people, which I'm sure includes you. I haven't looked into your eyes and would never presume to know your soul, but I do know that we share a common humanity and that we can all just get along.

Yours in Global Harmony
Acting President Barack Obama

--------

Third letter. From Senator John McCain:

Hey, Putin.
Don't make me come over there.

McCain.