Speed bump

A Sloth?

Government by its very nature is a close kin to the sloth: Slow moving, not too bright, and infested with parasites, generally sleeps 18 hours a day, and is virtually deaf. Like the sloth, government feeds on only one thing.

For the government this food is red tape.

Why not. What the hell.

Comparing Dicks

Why do the ego-driven leaders of big countries always feel the need to constantly compare dicks? Bush looks to be on the short end again.

Squeal like a pig America! Obama is totally unstoppable now!

McCain tosses in the towel!

Senator John McCain: "Hopeless! Utterly hopeless! How can we hope to stop the awesome juggernaut that is the Shining Obama Machine! He is the Chosen One! Join me in bowing to his greatness!"

McCain shocked much of the world today by apparently surrendering to the inevitible, dropping to his knees in despair, his shoulders shaking with the bitter dregs of certain defeat.

McCain sobbed heartrenderingly. "Why even bother with a convention? This Savior Of All Mankind is unstoppable!"

Indeed it would seem so. Shackled by his long record of service and willingness to work with others for the common good of his country, McCain practically melted into the sidewalk when compared to the Chosen One's long weeks of community service (not to mention some pro bono legal work) to the helpless Rappers of Chicago's South Side. How could people even begin to compare records!

And the running mate debacle was the last straw that broke McCain's hated Republican back. How could a woman - a WOMAN! - a woman whose record of ferreting out corruption, even in her own party, or her hatred for bloated big government, or her TINY RECORD of effecting change and getting things done... how could that possibly compare to the lifetime of almost-incredible near-successes of the powerful man known in his hometown as "Little Joey Biden"?

How ironic that if McCain WERE to die in office, the country would be in good hands, but that Obama would HAVE to die for the country to be in good hands! Oh! What has brought us to this sorry state? "It 'twas..It 'twas...'SOAP POISONING'"

So, let this be a lesson to all dumbass Republicans out there: GIVE IT UP! Learn your lesson well, and begin to listen carefully to the advice of the Lofty Sages who live in the European Union: listen as they counsel you as to the road you must take in order to make them love America again. The importance of their love is so vital to America's success. Heed well! Nor should that important South African swing vote be overlooked! Give it up, McCain!

After all, if the last two presidential elections are any indication, about all the Republicans have going for them are the votes of the American people! You can't win elections that way!

GIVE IT UP! The day of the Chosen One and his First Lady-elect has arrived! Deliverance is at hand!

This may well be the most important thing you read all year!

Do you know in what way anointed President Obama and Wannabe John McCain are the same? —

BUTT VERY DIFFERENT ON THE ONE ISSUE THAT REALLY MATTERS?

Answer: They are the same because they've BOTH smoked Marlboro cigarettes!

That means they BOTH deserve your vote equally!

That much is obvious...

Here is the deciding factor — John McCain smoked Marlboro LIGHTS! Yes! A fucking WIMP!

If you were undecided yesterday, NOW YOU KNOW WHO THE BEST MAN REALLY IS!

Vote Obama in November!

The choice is clear!

Should the leader of the Free World smoke a sissy light cigarette? McCain made his bed years ago —

NOW LET HIM LIE IN IT!

Great Taste, Less Filling

"So you really like that big Jew cock, huh baby?"

"So there was these two fags fuckin' an alligator down by the river, see..."

There was once a comedian by the name of Buddy Hackett. Dead now, of course. I don't remember Buddy myself, not in person anyway. But I saw a tape recently of an old Vegas show he did on HBO once, a zillion or so years ago, and I was literally rolling on the floor.

The only thing I knew about Buddy previous to that was that he had starred in some old Beach Blanket movies with Frankie Avalon and Annette that I had seen the reruns of. And Buddy seemed very tame. Pretty pathetic, in fact.

But his Vegas act was a killer. Christ!

That guy could tell more dirty jokes from memory, than I thought possible, one right after the other. They came at you so fast you didn't have time to recover through the entire show.

A lot were personal recollections of fuckings he had been involved with in his life. Hilarious. He could describe it so that you thought you were right there fucking right along with him.

Buddy said he was in the Army, stationed in England one time. And he was fucking this whore in an alley behind a pub, standing up against a dumpster, and he said her head kept bobbing up and down as he was fucking her, and he thought she was really getting into it, and Buddy was feeling all proud and shit, and so he started in fuck-talking her:

"So you really like that big Jew cock, huh, baby?"

"Yeah, luv. Nice cock you have alright."

"Makes your fuckin' head go crazy, huh?

"errrmm. No, luv. Just a bit o' me scarf tucked in is all..."

Buddy was crazy. Had the Vegas crowd on their knees on the carpet, holding their guts. Just the way he told the stories, not so much how funny they were.

His mind was weird, warped. "The highballs are on me", he screamed, as he told a story about a giraffe fucking an elephant. But it was the way Buddy would goose-step like a cornholed drum-major across the stage that sold the joke to the audience. Buddy walking like a giraffe.

Fuck. Fuck me, he was funny.