Sunday, September 28, 2008

Our favorite first debate exerpt.

LEHRER: Two minutes, how you see the lessons of Iraq, Senator Obama?

OBAMA: Well, this is an area where Senator McCain and I have a fundamental difference because I think the first question is whether we should have gone into the war in the first place...

MCCAIN: (Responding to Sen. Obama's assertation that the U.S. should not have gone into Iraq): The next president of the United States is not going to have to address the issue as to whether we went into Iraq or not. The next president of the United States is going to have to decide how we leave, when we leave, and what we leave behind. That's the decision of the next president of the United States.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

News Flash! Just Out! Obama's skin color may cost him some white votes! Read all about it!

The results of a new poll have just been released. It was conducted by Yahoo! and AP, so you know it must be true. Also, Stanford University was in on it too, although the pollsters don't make it clear how. Perhaps students were put on the phones in return for promises of pizza.

But the main thing is the shocking results of this poll! ----------------

This poll clearly shows that some white peoples' votes WILL BE AFFECTED BECAUSE OBAMA IS BLACK!!!!!

Oh, Christ! It's even worse than that! The poll also shows that SOME WHITES HARBOR NEGATIVE VIEWS TOWARDS ALL BLACKS!!!!!

Can this possibly be true? JESUS JOSEPH AND MARY!!!!! Who would have suspected this??

Thank God for polls and pollsters! Holy horseradish, but this was money well-spent! WHO FUCKING KNEW????

Doesn't this give you pause? Doesn't it start you to thinking? I mean, what if a similar poll were taken of black Americans? Yeah! What if? Is it possible such a poll might indicate a tiny percentage of blacks are not in love with whites, either? The mere concept boggles the mind. Best not think of that until tomorrow, Scarlett.

According to the Yahoo! article that ran the poll today, "The pollsters set out to determine why Obama is locked in a close race with McCain even as the political landscape seems to favor Democrats." [Or at least it seems to favor Democrats if you are a Democrat, I suppose.]

"There are a lot fewer bigots than there were 50 years ago, but that doesn't mean there's only a few bigots," said Stanford political scientist Paul Sniderman who helped analyze the exhaustive survey.

Ummm...are you SURE there are a lot fewer bigots than there were 50 years ago, Pauly? Did you take a survey on that? That's another issue that the black community in America might be able to shed some light on for you, dude. Should your white polling ass care to venture into their neighborhoods and knock on their doors.

But McCain has his own problems, right? I mean, other than only 3 blacks are going to vote for him, and even those will be ballot mistakes.
For example:

1. He is politically tied to a moron, the current inhabitant of the White House, who still can't find the bathroom there without directions from the Secret Service.

2. He is older than fucking spaghetti. And some rocks.

3. He is apparently halfway honest. Not a good trait in a politician.

BUT.

As Americans, both black and white, are fond of saying: "What the fuck?"

For most of us, the election is, after all, only a temporary diversion from Washington's business as usual. Which will continue uninterrupted on January 21st. It's sort of like going out and having fun on the weekend. In the back of your mind, you know Monday is gonna be coming around very soon.

Go for it, baby.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The World Wants Obama


The BBC has run a world poll about the American presidential election. At least they polled the countries they considered important.

The results: Only the USA doesn't overwhelmingly want Obama! Holy Shit!

"People outside the US would prefer Barack Obama to become US president ahead of John McCain, a BBC World Service poll suggests."

An American reading this lead-in header to that poll is admittedly tempted to say, "Really? Who gives a flying fuck?" and turn the page. But wait! Do you REALLY not care that 82% of Kenyans (Obama's father's home country) favor him to become U.S. President? Why isn't that important to you?

Most of you know that Relax Max, the author of this incredibly inane blog, would much prefer that neither candidate would become president. Surely the USA can do without a president for 8 years or more. Not only would you save over $3 million in salary, no wars that started during that timeframe would include American troops. And hardly any foreign country would be fucked with. Or given any money by the USA. Cool.

But.

That isn't going to happen. One of these assholes is going to get elected.

And, if you let Kenya vote, McCain can kiss his white old ass goodbye, and Alaska's wild moose population can start pissing their pants again everytime they hear a helicopter. Or something like that.

I think that's the point of this BBC poll. Naw. It has no point.

Please also note, just in case you may have thought the poll had a tiny bit of relevance, that it was taken before either party's convention. Heh.

Shee-it.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Squeal like a pig America! Obama is totally unstoppable now!


McCain tosses in the towel!

Senator John McCain: "Hopeless! Utterly hopeless! How can we hope to stop the awesome juggernaut that is the Shining Obama Machine! He is the Chosen One! Join me in bowing to his greatness!"




McCain shocked much of the world today by apparently surrendering to the inevitible, dropping to his knees in despair, his shoulders shaking with the bitter dregs of certain defeat.




McCain sobbed heartrenderingly. "Why even bother with a convention? This Savior Of All Mankind is unstoppable!"

Indeed it would seem so. Shackled by his long record of service and willingness to work with others for the common good of his country, McCain practically melted into the sidewalk when compared to the Chosen One's long weeks of community service (not to mention some pro bono legal work) to the helpless Rappers of Chicago's South Side. How could people even begin to compare records!

And the running mate debacle was the last straw that broke McCain's hated Republican back. How could a woman - a WOMAN! - a woman whose record of ferreting out corruption, even in her own party, or her hatred for bloated big government, or her TINY RECORD of effecting change and getting things done... how could that possibly compare to the lifetime of almost-incredible near-successes of the powerful man known in his hometown as "Little Joey Biden"?

How ironic that if McCain WERE to die in office, the country would be in good hands, but that Obama would HAVE to die for the country to be in good hands! Oh! What has brought us to this sorry state? "It 'twas..It 'twas...'SOAP POISONING'"

So, let this be a lesson to all dumbass Republicans out there: GIVE IT UP! Learn your lesson well, and begin to listen carefully to the advice of the Lofty Sages who live in the European Union: listen as they counsel you as to the road you must take in order to make them love America again. The importance of their love is so vital to America's success. Heed well! Nor should that important South African swing vote be overlooked! Give it up, McCain!


After all, if the last two presidential elections are any indication, about all the Republicans have going for them are the votes of the American people! You can't win elections that way!

GIVE IT UP! The day of the Chosen One and his First Lady-elect has arrived! Deliverance is at hand!