(I will not tell where I stole these from. But rest assured they were plagiarized in an honest manner.)
Letter #1 from George Bush (who owes me big time):
Beijing is weird. First of all, you can't breathe the air. Second, how 'bout those drummers? Whoa! MIL-I-TAR-Y PRE-CI-SION!
Hey, which reminds me. What's up with Georgia? This is not good, Vlad. If you don't stop, I'm going to have to do something, and you know I don't like doing things, right? What I want is for you to not make me look like a fool.
Here's the deal, Vlad. I love ya man. But you gotta stop this. If you don't call a cease-fire and leave those Georgians alone, I'm going to have to whomp you upside the head. Just kiddin'. But you know how this looks. Invading a sovereign neighboring state is unacceptable in the 21st century - blah blah blah - and you're hurting Russia's image in the world.
Hey, gotta split. It's Kobe time. Take care and give my love to that cute little gymnast of yours.
P.S. Did you catch the American women's beach volleyball team?
Second letter, from Sen. Barack Obama:
Dear (Former) President Putin:
I'm sorry to be writing this e-mail instead of meeting you in person, preferably in the Oval Office, where I belong. Soon, soon.
Nevertheless, and notwithstanding the foregoing, I felt it imperative that I express my deep concern about Russia's invasion of the tiny, democratically elected sovereign nation of Georgia. It would appear that you are not familiar with my platform for change and hope. War does not fit into this template and I am quite frankly at a loss for words to express my deep, deep distress.
As the chosen leader of a new generation of Americans who speak a global language of peace, hope, harmony and change, this is simply unacceptable. Quite frankly, your actions pose potentially severe, long-term consequences. I'm not sure what those might be, but they won't be nice or fun.
Please picture me looking very serious when I say that I respectfully request you to calm down. Life is but a flicker in time and we're but actors strutting and fretting. That is to say, we're all on this planetary journey together and our karma is interrelated and interdependent. Thus, it would seem that our differences are best resolved through words, not bombs.
It is said that war is a failure of diplomacy. I would submit that it is also counterintuitive. If my Kenyan father and my Kansan mother and my multinational upbringing taught me anything, it is that we are all One. That said, I am the One the world has been waiting for - and you are, quite frankly, blocking my chi.
As soon as possible, I'd like to sit down and begin talking about how we can resolve these and other differences that threaten peace-loving people, which I'm sure includes you. I haven't looked into your eyes and would never presume to know your soul, but I do know that we share a common humanity and that we can all just get along.
Yours in Global Harmony
Acting President Barack Obama
Third letter. From Senator John McCain:
Don't make me come over there.