Monday, July 28, 2008

Vote "None of the Above". Stay home. Watch TV. Laugh at those who went and stood in line for nothing.

Has any politician ever really done anything for you?
Has any politician ever kept his promises?
Has any politician not wasted your money?

Why do you keep voting for them?

Did you know that doing the same thing over and over and over, yet expecting a different result, is the very definition of insanity? It is what a crazy person does.

Vote for a new American revolution. Stay home this November. Don't be a party to any of their lies. Don't listen to any of them. The answer is not more of the same, only with a different face in the White House. The answer is a Constitutional Convention. It is SO long overdue!

Take back your country. Sign a petition to force a vote in your state for a Constitutional Convention NOW!

McCain's experience is not the answer.
Obama's inexperience is not the answer.
The status quo is not the answer.
Change simply for the sake of change is not the answer.
No politician is the answer.
Vote for nobody.

Power to the people!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Off we go on vacation

We will be back the 24th.

We are off to scout locations for Henry.

We will miss you all.

Please keep the politicians and such under control while we're gone!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

New Series: Henry The Traveling Condom

One of my biggest blogging idols is Olga The Traveling Bra. I truly revere Olga. In my mind, she is probably second only to Angelika. The latter goes without saying, of course: no one is really in Angelika's blogging class. So, in the regular NON-Angelika class of blogs, Olga is at the top of the list of my idols.

I fully realize that some of you are already trying to see a pattern here between Angelika and Olga (both are black) but there really is no connection. They are both simply brilliant bloggers with a fantastic and well-deserved following. That, and the fact that I like to mention their names on this blog frequently, for search-engine purposes. You understand.

I hasten to add that neither of these talented bloggers knows that Relax Max is in awe of them, or that they are both his idols, because l have always been too intimidated by their greatness to comment on their blogs. Also, I am not smart enough, usually, to understand their posts, so that is also a stumbling block to commenting.

Because Olga has no clue of my admiration for her (or no clue that I even exist, for that matter) it is not likly she will discover what I am doing here before it is too late. She almost surely doesn't know this blog exists. And, of course, it goes without saying that we will never see a blogger of the stature of the lovely Angelika mucking around down here in the dregs of the blogosphere.

What I started out to say here, before I slid into that incredibly embarrassing ass-kissing session outlined above, was that Olga has inspired a sort of parallel blogging character that I intend to (temporarily) bring to life in homage to Olga. I will call this character "Henry The Traveling Condom."

I envision Henry "traveling" (being mailed) to various people all over the world, and being befriended by these recipients. Henry's mission in life will be to promote camaraderie between peoples of all nations, as well as to encourage frequent, comradely, sex.

The qualifications for hosting Henry haven't been completely worked out yet, but the idea is the same (almost the same) as Olga: we will expect Henry to be flaunted in various public locations and to have plenty of pictures taken.

Of course the MAIN idea of this is - and you could expect no less from Relax Max - is to have each recipient wear Henry while they engage in sex in various parts of the world. No photos are to be taken of the actual qualifying event! Your signature on the provided affidavit will be more than satisfactory.

Then you will mail Henry back to Relax Max in the envelope provided. Wash him first.

It is as simple as that. We do, of course expect you to take photos before the actual qualifying event, of Henry being "posed" on various public objects, such as statues and landmarks. Pictures of Henry on your finger or rolled onto bicycle handlebars would probably also be amusing. Be extra careful with sharp objects!

We have already lined up our first two participants: one in Texas, and one in Belgium.

Please check back here periodically for photos and updates. Please don't wait too long to check back as there is some concern as to how long Henry will actually hold up. Thank you.

The point? Man, I dunno. Does there have to be a point? What's the point of Olga? It's fun, that's all. Fuck your point.

Official U.S. FDA Disclaimer: "Putting a used condom on your dick, which has recently been used by a stranger, and which probably has holes in it, and which may or may not have even been washed out, is NOT conducive to safe sex."

Sunday, July 6, 2008

This is older than hell, but still one of the funniest things I have ever written. Give me a day off - read it again!

Dick Cheney crashes Letterman show, does 12-minute standup routine ridiculing Letterman's and Clinton's open-heart surgery banter.

The studio audience at the taping of the David Letterman show last Tuesday afternoon were startled to see the Vice-President of the United States walk onto the studio stage, right in the middle of the humerous banter then going on between the host and his special guest, former president Bill Clinton. The two were swapping war stories about their recent personal experiences with open-heart surgery, and the audience was really laughing and having a good time, when, unbelieveably, in walked Dick Cheney.

Cheney was carrying a wooden stool and sat down right in the middle of the stage and began a comedy routine that ended up lasting more than 10 minutes, ridiculing both Clinton and Letterman as "...grossly overreacting to a small event in their lives."

Said the Vice-President, "I'll tell you the real story about Bill Clinton's surgery: the doctors couldn't even find a heart, so they just closed him back up. If he's been exhausted lately, it isn't due to his heart surgery, it's because of his "personal tsunami techniques" with those Asian bar girls."

Mr. Clinton had a frozen grin on his face, but you could tell he didn't really think Cheney was funny.

The Vice-President was merciless, calling Clinton and Letterman "...two liberal pussies who don't have even one decent heart attack between them."

At one point, the vice-president pulled off his tie and unbuttoned his shirt for the audience. "You want to see what a real heart attack looks like? Watch this!" As Cheney grabbed the wires to his pacemaker, it appeared as if he were indeed about to self-induce a heart attack right there on stage. But the cameras switched to Bill Clinton's open-mouthed look of disbelief, and when the camera panned back to Cheney, he was sitting back on his stool with a broad smile on his face, as if to say, "Gotcha!"

Mr. Cheney had the audience practically in tears, totally upstaging Clinton, continuing, without letup, to belittle the former president's surgery. At the end of Cheney's routine, the audience were on their feet clapping and whistling as the vice-president walked offstage in triumph. At this point, Letterman's eyes were literally bugging out of his head, and he was clutching his chest with both hands. Many in the studio audience obviously weren't convinced Letterman was acting.

None of the hilarious footage made it on the air that evening, and viewers at home were simply treated to the good-natured reparte between Letterman and Clinton.

Saturday, July 5, 2008