Obama loses his shirt

Stock markets continue their plunge. President-Elect not immune.

Welcome Aboard!

President-elect B.H. Obama, wasting no time in the face of the economic crisis, today selected as his new Secretary of the Treasury, the genial Bob Cratchit.

Rather than choosing someone who is good at handling money, the President-Elect said he "went with my heart on this one" and chose someone from the ranks of the common folk, his primary political base.

"I thought it was more important to send a message, to the people who voted for me, and to the misguided right, as well as to the rest of the world, both friends and foe alike, all of whom I will soon be speaking with on a personal one-on-one basis, just to get to know their special interests, that my administration will be a grass-roots operation from the top down, or the bottom up, just as I promised; or if I didn't promise that, it could be assumed by one and all that is surely what I meant."

Mr. Obama went on to say (we think) that he decided against choosing a person with banking experience, or even executive experience, because those kinds of people have often failed us in the past, and mostly are Republicans anyway.

The returned clothes fund of Sara Palin will be used to outfit Mr. Cratchit.

Good luck Bob Cratchit, and to all the assorted little Cratchits!

Have you ever wondered why...

... A lot of the attacks on our freedoms seem to be coming from our own government?

New cabinet appointments begin

Wasting no time, President-Elect Barack Obama today announced his first cabinet appointee, good friend William "Bill" Ayers, as Secretary of Defense.

Asked what prompted the choice, the Chosen One shuffled his feet a bit and then mumbled, "Professor Ayers is familar with the Pentagon."

God bless America. 

American Guy Fawkes Day

As many of you know, if you have been following the American presidential election, "...the first Tuesday after the first monday in November" is the American Guy Fawkes Day. We celebrate it one day before the British and others do this year.

It will be a little different, of course. The destroyer of the American system of government, as we have come to know it, will be toasted instead of pilloried, and inaugural balls and general ass-kissing will replace bonfires.

Barack Obama is a likable - albeit extremely naive and economically uninformed* - sort of guy: a rather odd combination of Lyndon Johnson, Jimmy Carter, and Vladimir Lenin. He's just what the doctor ordered to put America's house in order, according to the outside world and (of course) the legions of blindly unthinking zombie-like leftist Dems.

These people are compassionate, they want to improve the plight of the poor and "underprivileged." Admirable. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to help one's fellow man (or fellow American, as it were.) The answer? Isn't it obvious? So simple - take the money from people who have it and give it to people who DON'T have it.

Change. Oh, my, yes, there will be change.

Is the world now ready for the new American socialist state, patterned after the failed Russian system we all knew and loved? The new massive redistribution of wealth, unseen since 1917, sprouting like an unholy Phoenix from the ashes of LBJ's Great Society?

Change. Oh, my, yes, get ready for change, world. You win.

Gone, finally will be the rich elite who get all the tax breaks. No more rich. To paraphrase Lenin, "The new order has no need for capitalists." No more rich elite. The bastards who worked their asses off to build businesses and wealth. The bastards who create jobs and pay people's salaries. No need for them. Tax them into poverty. Tax them out of business. Let the government run things. Let the government provide the jobs.

Barack Obama: "Let's spread the wealth around."

Sure. Take it from the ones who earned it and spread it on the non-producers. Encourage the opposite of the American Dream. That's the ticket. Karl Marx would be proud. And soon (do you hear the angels singing, here?) the world can love America again.

You win, world. Get ready for the biggest failed welfare state the planet has ever seen. You think you have economic woes now? You ain't seen nothin' yet.

*Anyone who thinks it is possible to make lasting social improvements by taking rewards from visionary asset-producers and giving a huge portion of those rewards instead to poor people or, worse, to total non-producers, is economically uninformed, by definition. They would do well to study the lessons of the late Soviet Union, and compare the current economies of North Korea and South Korea.

Socialism doesn't work. When are we going to get that? Some is needed: pure capitalism is cruel and cold. But the correct recipe calls for a teaspoonful, not a gallon.

Our recommendation for president

After careful analysis of the two candidates, we have arrived at our recommendation for your voting consideration. We strongly urge you follow our endorsement. Thank you.

Actually, for those 3 of you who actually read this blog, we gave our recommendation 'way back at the end of July. Our recommendation has not changed.

So just click here to see who we called.

Please - just don't. If you do, it only encourages the bastards.

It's all over but the shouting!

The fat lady is singing! It's in the bag for Obama!

The polls show his lead widening. The news media have called it. The good news that Whoopie and her View crew have been proclaiming for months is all but official: Hail to the chief!

Finally, real change is in store for America. Isn't it just about time? Hallelujah! I can't wait! The long national nightmare is over!  Happy days are here again!

No need for the good guys to threaten to run off to Canada.

The changes will probably be obvious only minutes after the One takes office. Thank you God.

Henry The Traveling Condom says...

I found these words on another blog in my travels a week or so ago, but can't remember where. Have seen them a couple places since, so I guess I am not the only one who is stealing them.

"The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed."

No charge for comments today, but you must be nice to me.

Obama: Biden replaced with "someone more intelligent"

In a rather unusual turn of events, Presidential Annointed One Barrack Obama replaced running mate Little Joey Biden today with Uncle Fester.

The move was not totally unexpected, however, given Senator Biden's recent remarks telling California voters they could just "shove their support up their ass", and,"I ask you, who the hell needs California? Or New York for that matter? Fuck 'em all." The statement was made during the nationally televised VP debate Thursday night. The gaffe came after the VP debate moderator asked Biden to respond to the statement from a San Diego child that "Biden's hair looks funny."

Biden later attempted to retract his statement, saying at first that he was "only joking, for Christ's sake," and then later asserting that he had really meant to say Wyoming and South Dakota. Apparently Mr. Obama wasn't buying either story. Biden's debate opponent, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, simply shrugged her shoulders and offered, "What are you going to do? Biden is a cretin. Everyone knows that."

Uncle Fester, laid up with a broken leg from a recent meth lab explosion, was unavailable for comment at press time.

News Flash! Just Out! Obama's skin color may cost him some white votes! Read all about it!

The results of a new poll have just been released. It was conducted by Yahoo! and AP, so you know it must be true. Also, Stanford University was in on it too, although the pollsters don't make it clear how. Perhaps students were put on the phones in return for promises of pizza.

But the main thing is the shocking results of this poll! ----------------

This poll clearly shows that some white peoples' votes WILL BE AFFECTED BECAUSE OBAMA IS BLACK!!!!!

Oh, Christ! It's even worse than that! The poll also shows that SOME WHITES HARBOR NEGATIVE VIEWS TOWARDS ALL BLACKS!!!!!

Can this possibly be true? JESUS JOSEPH AND MARY!!!!! Who would have suspected this??

Thank God for polls and pollsters! Holy horseradish, but this was money well-spent! WHO FUCKING KNEW????

Doesn't this give you pause? Doesn't it start you to thinking? I mean, what if a similar poll were taken of black Americans? Yeah! What if? Is it possible such a poll might indicate a tiny percentage of blacks are not in love with whites, either? The mere concept boggles the mind. Best not think of that until tomorrow, Scarlett.

According to the Yahoo! article that ran the poll today, "The pollsters set out to determine why Obama is locked in a close race with McCain even as the political landscape seems to favor Democrats." [Or at least it seems to favor Democrats if you are a Democrat, I suppose.]

"There are a lot fewer bigots than there were 50 years ago, but that doesn't mean there's only a few bigots," said Stanford political scientist Paul Sniderman who helped analyze the exhaustive survey.

Ummm...are you SURE there are a lot fewer bigots than there were 50 years ago, Pauly? Did you take a survey on that? That's another issue that the black community in America might be able to shed some light on for you, dude. Should your white polling ass care to venture into their neighborhoods and knock on their doors.

But McCain has his own problems, right? I mean, other than only 3 blacks are going to vote for him, and even those will be ballot mistakes.

For example:

1. He is politically tied to a moron, the current inhabitant of the White House, who still can't find the bathroom there without directions from the Secret Service.

2. He is older than fucking spaghetti. And some rocks.

3. He is apparently halfway honest. Not a good trait in a politician.

BUT.

As Americans, both black and white, are fond of saying: "What the fuck?"

For most of us, the election is, after all, only a temporary diversion from Washington's business as usual. Which will continue uninterrupted on January 21st. It's sort of like going out and having fun on the weekend. In the back of your mind, you know Monday is gonna be coming around very soon.

Go for it, baby.

Three letters to Mr. Putin

(I will not tell where I stole these from. But rest assured they were plagiarized in an honest manner.)

Letter #1 from George Bush (who owes me big time):

Dear Vlad:

Beijing is weird. First of all, you can't breathe the air. Second, how 'bout those drummers? Whoa! MIL-I-TAR-Y PRE-CI-SION!

Hey, which reminds me. What's up with Georgia? This is not good, Vlad. If you don't stop, I'm going to have to do something, and you know I don't like doing things, right? What I want is for you to not make me look like a fool.

Here's the deal, Vlad.  I love ya man. But you gotta stop this. If you don't call a cease-fire and leave those Georgians alone, I'm going to have to whomp you upside the head. Just kiddin'. But you know how this looks. Invading a sovereign neighboring state is unacceptable in the 21st century - blah blah blah - and you're hurting Russia's image in the world.

Whatever.

Hey, gotta split. It's Kobe time. Take care and give my love to that cute little gymnast of yours.

Ciao amigo,

Bushy

P.S. Did you catch the American women's beach volleyball team?

--------

Second letter, from Sen. Barack Obama:

Dear (Former) President Putin:

I'm sorry to be writing this e-mail instead of meeting you in person, preferably in the Oval Office, where I belong. Soon, soon.

Nevertheless, and notwithstanding the foregoing, I felt it imperative that I express my deep concern about Russia's invasion of the tiny, democratically elected sovereign nation of Georgia. It would appear that you are not familiar with my platform for change and hope. War does not fit into this template and I am quite frankly at a loss for words to express my deep, deep distress.

As the chosen leader of a new generation of Americans who speak a global language of peace, hope, harmony and change, this is simply unacceptable. Quite frankly, your actions pose potentially severe, long-term consequences. I'm not sure what those might be, but they won't be nice or fun.

Please picture me looking very serious when I say that I respectfully request you to calm down. Life is but a flicker in time and we're but actors strutting and fretting. That is to say, we're all on this planetary journey together and our karma is interrelated and interdependent. Thus, it would seem that our differences are best resolved through words, not bombs.

It is said that war is a failure of diplomacy. I would submit that it is also counterintuitive. If my Kenyan father and my Kansan mother and my multinational upbringing taught me anything, it is that we are all One. That said, I am the One the world has been waiting for - and you are, quite frankly, blocking my chi.

As soon as possible, I'd like to sit down and begin talking about how we can resolve these and other differences that threaten peace-loving people, which I'm sure includes you. I haven't looked into your eyes and would never presume to know your soul, but I do know that we share a common humanity and that we can all just get along.

Yours in Global Harmony

Acting President Barack Obama

--------

Third letter. From Senator John McCain:

Hey, Putin.

Don't make me come over there.

McCain.

McCain: "Who knew there was an internet?"

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) tries to hide his face in shame as he is informed of the existance of the internet, and that he could have been using it all along to get his message out to the people.

As the senator logged on to the internet for the first time, the room was filled with reporters, anxious to record the historic moment. With the help of his wife Cindy, McCain soon opened a browser and watched as she typed in an address. He seemed genuinely taken aback as images began to appear on the screen as if by magic.

The senator was a fast learner, however, and before long he had visited Amazon.com, and had even posted a question on Yahoo! dot com: "Can someone finally explain to me the difference between Sunnis and Shites?"

McCain then told the reporters that Americans should not be concerned that he was not in tune with mainstream America, and that he wanted to reasure them he was up-to-date on the latest technology, in spite of simply never having heard of the internet.

"That aside, I am really a very hip cat", the Senator said, pausing to cough up what appeared to be a large piece of boiled cabbage, "for example, tomorrow morning I intend to do my morning walk wearing my brand new Walkman Radio."

Reporters merely looked at each other nervously. There were no questions. Cindy had disappeared.

-----------------------

This just in: Obama now leads McCain in frequent flyer miles; next trip to Iraq will be free, aides say.

C'mon C'mon, let's all get happy!

Would someone please tell these people they are about to get a promotion? This is not a sad thing, folks? C'mon! Let me see those pearly whites! Tickle tickle tickle!

Being leader of the Free World not doing if for you Barry? JUST WHAT THE FUCK WOULD CHEER YOU UP, THEN?!!!!????

Sadly, Alzheimers has begun to take its toll

Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., steps off his campaign bus to board his campaign charter, Friday, June 20,2008, at the airport in Minneapolis. McCain was traveling to Canada to give a speech to the Economic Club of Toronto.

McCain seemed genuinely baffled when asked by this reporter why he was going to Toronto, since Canadians can't vote for the U.S. President.

McCain listened intently as his aide whispered in his ear, then replied, "We all have high hopes that this voting injustice will be rectified before November."

As he boarded the small jet, McCain could be seen in heated discussion with the aide, finally pushing him roughly to the tarmac. He then began kicking at the prone man, but other members of McCain's entourage quickly restrained the senator before any of the kicks found their mark.

We had a nice shot of the senator kicking at the fallen aide, but our camera was taken from us during Relax Max's usual obscene tirade at Secret Service agents. As a result, the above pictures really don't have shit to do with this story, but we needed some filler.

(Left, President Bush hard a work with the cares of the Presidency. Right, Hillary Clinton happily concedes to Obama.)

Hanoi Hilton flashbacks

If president, this man would have the power to order a nuclear attack. How likely is he to love his enemies? Just how stable is this putz of the desert?

But, on the other hand, if Barrack Obama were president, he wouldn't fight back not matter WHAT THE HECK happened. The U.S. could be completely in flames from terrorist attacks, and Barry would want to hold a dialog with them.

HOLY COW!!!

Are these REALLY our choices?

Hold on to your ass America! The upcoming ride is going to be very painful!

!!!WAIT JUST A DARN MINUTE!!!

THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE!!!

This November, write in the name of RELAX MAX for president!

He's young enough.

He's white enough.

He's arrogant enough.

He's DEFINITELY dumb enough.

Be like Relax Max and just DO it!!!

"I may screw you, but I won't KILL you!!!"

—I'm Relax Max, and I approved this message.

"The world has many problems. Pussy is always the answer." —Relax Max