McCain tosses in the towel!
Senator John McCain: "Hopeless! Utterly hopeless! How can we hope to stop the awesome juggernaut that is the Shining Obama Machine! He is the Chosen One! Join me in bowing to his greatness!"
McCain shocked much of the world today by apparently surrendering to the inevitible, dropping to his knees in despair, his shoulders shaking with the bitter dregs of certain defeat.
McCain sobbed heartrenderingly. "Why even bother with a convention? This Savior Of All Mankind is unstoppable!"
Indeed it would seem so. Shackled by his long record of service and willingness to work with others for the common good of his country, McCain practically melted into the sidewalk when compared to the Chosen One's long weeks of community service (not to mention some pro bono legal work) to the helpless Rappers of Chicago's South Side. How could people even begin to compare records!
And the running mate debacle was the last straw that broke McCain's hated Republican back. How could a woman - a WOMAN! - a woman whose record of ferreting out corruption, even in her own party, or her hatred for bloated big government, or her TINY RECORD of effecting change and getting things done... how could that possibly compare to the lifetime of almost-incredible near-successes of the powerful man known in his hometown as "Little Joey Biden"?
How ironic that if McCain WERE to die in office, the country would be in good hands, but that Obama would HAVE to die for the country to be in good hands! Oh! What has brought us to this sorry state? "It 'twas..It 'twas...'SOAP POISONING'"
So, let this be a lesson to all dumbass Republicans out there: GIVE IT UP! Learn your lesson well, and begin to listen carefully to the advice of the Lofty Sages who live in the European Union: listen as they counsel you as to the road you must take in order to make them love America again. The importance of their love is so vital to America's success. Heed well! Nor should that important South African swing vote be overlooked! Give it up, McCain!
After all, if the last two presidential elections are any indication, about all the Republicans have going for them are the votes of the American people! You can't win elections that way!
GIVE IT UP! The day of the Chosen One and his First Lady-elect has arrived! Deliverance is at hand!