This is older than hell, but still one of the funniest things I have ever written. Give me a day off - read it again!

Dick Cheney crashes Letterman show, does 12-minute standup routine ridiculing Letterman's and Clinton's open-heart surgery banter.


The studio audience at the taping of the David Letterman show last Tuesday afternoon were startled to see the Vice-President of the United States walk onto the studio stage, right in the middle of the humerous banter then going on between the host and his special guest, former president Bill Clinton. The two were swapping war stories about their recent personal experiences with open-heart surgery, and the audience was really laughing and having a good time, when, unbelieveably, in walked Dick Cheney.

Cheney was carrying a wooden stool and sat down right in the middle of the stage and began a comedy routine that ended up lasting more than 10 minutes, ridiculing both Clinton and Letterman as "...grossly overreacting to a small event in their lives."



Said the Vice-President, "I'll tell you the real story about Bill Clinton's surgery: the doctors couldn't even find a heart, so they just closed him back up. If he's been exhausted lately, it isn't due to his heart surgery, it's because of his "personal tsunami techniques" with those Asian bar girls."

Mr. Clinton had a frozen grin on his face, but you could tell he didn't really think Cheney was funny.

The Vice-President was merciless, calling Clinton and Letterman "...two liberal pussies who don't have even one decent heart attack between them."

At one point, the vice-president pulled off his tie and unbuttoned his shirt for the audience. "You want to see what a real heart attack looks like? Watch this!" As Cheney grabbed the wires to his pacemaker, it appeared as if he were indeed about to self-induce a heart attack right there on stage. But the cameras switched to Bill Clinton's open-mouthed look of disbelief, and when the camera panned back to Cheney, he was sitting back on his stool with a broad smile on his face, as if to say, "Gotcha!"



Mr. Cheney had the audience practically in tears, totally upstaging Clinton, continuing, without letup, to belittle the former president's surgery. At the end of Cheney's routine, the audience were on their feet clapping and whistling as the vice-president walked offstage in triumph. At this point, Letterman's eyes were literally bugging out of his head, and he was clutching his chest with both hands. Many in the studio audience obviously weren't convinced Letterman was acting.

None of the hilarious footage made it on the air that evening, and viewers at home were simply treated to the good-natured reparte between Letterman and Clinton.

Hillary wins Max's pussyeating contest tongue-down: licks other two handily

The results of the scientific Way Hash poll are in: It's Hillary by a tongue slide, sucking in a whopping 69% of the votes! Hillary licked both of her opponents handily: Condi Rice polled in at a respectable 21% and Michelle Obama dragging ass at a paltry 10%.

In all fairness, Condi Rice only discovered her sexuality 2 days before the end of the contest, so she has astronomical "per capita" points. But Hillary, the only contestant who actually campaigned for the title, was far and away the most steady and reliable cunnilingus artist over the long haul. In fact, her lifetime achievement numbers even surpassed her husbands. So it is official: Hillary has eaten more pussy in her life than Bill. But you always suspected that was true, right?

Hillary refused an official request for an interview from Relax Max, but did speak to him a little bit off the record.

Max: Do you actually enjoy mouth-fucking girls? Or is a political thing?

Hillary: Hell yes I enjoy it! I fuckin' LOVE pussy! YUM, baby!

Max: Would you mind showing me your technique?

Hillary: Sure. [She sticks out her tongue slowly. Amazingly it goes clear down to the bottom of her chin. Then she began a "trilling" exercise that made her tongue vibrate in a blur.]

Max: That's fucking erotic, ma'am.

Hillary: Yeah. Well, tough. Ain't none for you asshole. I ain't into dicks no more.

So we've heard.

Condi refused our request for an interview outright, or even to discuss technique over the phone. And Michelle's spokeswoman actually told us to go fuck our dirty-minded honky selves.

Hillary demanded beer, and flipped Max off just as he was taking her picture for this article, but at least we have a picture. Nothing from Michelle and Condi.